How to Be a Dictator

In ten easy steps:

  1. Understand Definitions:
    • Humanity – Everyone else in the world
    • Domination – Control Humanity
    • Leader – Dominate Humanity
    • Followers – Humanity
  2. Be a Narcissist
    • Look in mirror with abstract admiration
    • Insist on praise from all around you
    • Cheat so you win at everything
    • Comb your hair again
  3. Grab Power
    • Tell people what they want to hear
    • Be ignorant of history – it gets in the way
    • Get Lawyers, Guns and Money
    • Corrupt everything you touch
  4.  Alternate Facts
    • Truth is your enemy
    • Invent new facts
    • Tell Alt facts to everyone
    • Reinvent your history
  5.  Control the Media
    • You are your own publicist
    • Wrestle CNN to the mat
    • Close non-compliant media outlets
    • Jail critics
  6. Make Friends
    • People who need your power – like White Supremacists
    • Who will wear your red ridiculous hats
    • Others who can teach you the fine art of dictatorship
    • Discard all those you don’t need
  7. Get Money
    • Sell more hats and flags
    • Borrow from banks and don’t pay back
    • Don’t pay taxes, because you are smartest ever
    • Sell more hats and flags
  8. Rid Yourself of Rivals
    • Have your minions investigate rivals
    • Get foreign friends to cheat for you
    • Create havoc and division
    • Bait your rivals to anger
  9. Dominate
    • Attack weaker neighbors
    • Sell your red hats your audacious story
    • Tell everyone you are making peace
    • Remember everyone loves you
    • Ask for Nobel Peace Prize
  10. Get Beaten and Die Alone
    • By the corruption you enabled
    • By the weight of history
    • By the red hats who turn on you
    • By all humanity who now know!

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